I am terrified of going. I mighten get into anywhere and neither might he. But I really dont want to say goodbye. Everytime I think about leaving and losing you I get very upset. I dont know why I am being told to ‘play it cool’ and to ‘take a step back’ when really if you like someone you should take a step forward and dont play it like anything as it isnt a game. You complicate everything and you haven’t ever given me a straight answer or none that makes me feel better. I am completely honest, you so aren’t. I’m genuinely gutted. But I go to america this summer. I can’t handle you telling me the day I leave that you regret not saying what was needed. And, I can’t handle me telling you on the day I leave that actually…I love you. I dont want to do that and shouldn’t have to wait and do you know what, I shouldn’t be in this predicament because if you weren’t such a dick to me, this would never even occur. ‘I like being casual’ well you know what, I fucking don’t and i’ve had enough. But that isn’t a good enough reason for me to tell us to stop or for me to stop these stupid feelings for you. Because, infact you make me very very happy and I am never going to forget you. You are my world and being 18 and accepting that is big deal. ‘I’m so shy around you you know’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yes’ silence. You know exactly what you do to me and when you kiss me you look into my eyes and you put your hands firmly around my neck and pull me in. I KNOW you feel it too. I know you do. So, you need to be a fucking man and confront yourself and stop being pathetic. I’m sick of being a doormat. I refuse to be it anymore. I’m going to change things. And..this time, the ball will be in MY court and I’m going to make you come running and running and chasing and worrying because I have to say to myself ‘Would I do this to you?’ i say no..YOU ARE NOT TREATING ME FAIRLY. Well, you’re my bestfriend and I never want to let anyone have the feeling I go through, but..YOU ACTUALLY DESERVE IT. And, Im tired of this bullshit. So if you have a minute to reflect on our past, and present think about what you’re doing to my future. I don’t want to put my life on hold for you. I want to be able to turn around and say ‘I’m so glad I never wasted any more of my time on you’. But, I can’t. This love is treacherous, I like it..